Disclaimer: Reading this may cause extreme dizziness and confusion. If you find your way through to the end I hope that your nausea will have settled. Good luck!

Today I opened my journal and just stared at it for awhile. I’ve been pushing it aside and trying to ignore it because I haven’t known where to begin with trying to wring all the thoughts out of my head without it being a sopping mess.

It was pretty cool morning on the beach and I wasn’t wearing a hoodie, so I only got 3 pages in before my arm froze up and made my handwriting nearly illegible. I succumbed to thinking. As much as I want my journal to be coherent, and my blogs for that matter, its this confuzingly awkward life of mine that I have been aiming to straighten for awhile. Today on the beach, surrounded by seagulls, I asked myself, ‘why?’

God has brought me to this place in life where I feel blindfolded… and like I am in one of those times when someone is driving you and you are trying to guess where you are going and make sense of your surroundings without really knowing anything. Its like ohh… we went left and then right and you said this… so we are probably going… And they just laugh because they know its good… but you just want to know, so its kinda irritating. Ya know? Well. I have found freedom and beauty in it.

He has shown me that the love that he has given me for adventures, for people, for reading and writing and discussing, for photography, and all different kinds of food, and for running, and for seeking him. For a long time I have felt spread too thin. I like too many things. I have wanted to be channeled.

Excuse me, Mr. Painter, you put too many colors on this canvas and they don’t complement each other. 

Sometimes I do feel like abstract art. I don’t really like abstract art.

I have been looking and analyzing myself to the death trying to figure out these pieces he has given me so I can go ahead and put the puzzle together already. But now I see. He never gave me any pieces. He never gave me hints. He made me whole. If I am looking for something in the future, its not what he has for me.  What he has for me, I already have. I am complete as I am, because of what he has done in me.

My love of being around a lot of people. and for being alone.

My love for adrenaline and crazy sports. and for laying on the beach.

My love for healthy food. and a fresh donut.

My love for reading challenging books. and for people’s witty fb status updates.

My love for working out. and for taking naps on the couch.

I have a hard time making decisions because I like too many things. I have too many favorites. I am too optimistic.

Focus. Purpose. Intention. Even typing those words make my heart race.

If I focus on one… what about the rest?

In the past 2 weeks I have surfed, paddleboarded, started learning to kite board, sea kayaked and swam in the ocean. I could focus on one and maybe even get kinda good at it. But then I wouldn’t get to experience the others… and they are stinkin fun! This is who I am.

My focus, my purpose, my intention is Jesus. Today. Whether that is through eating donuts with friends or taking photos of insects, he gets the glory as I enjoy him and what he has made. After all, this is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. He will shape and lead and guide, most likely without me realizing it, as I pursue him and what he has set right before me.

So, for transparency part of this post…

Because I enjoy so much, I am in danger of getting distracted. I am in danger of living life in a really full way, soaking up all that it has “to offer me,” and then tanking. As I look back through cycles of my life, there have been periods of darkness that overcome me. I haven’t understood them. They have clouded all that has been good and all that I have enjoyed with feelings of pointlessness and despair and drudgery.

When I get in the habit of living life because it is good, I am on unsteady ground. When I allow myself to be distracted from the only real and steady and consistent thing in life, from the only thing that gives life… and instead focus on “life,” all that is sweet and good and what makes me, me, becomes tainted. The good in life stings bitter.

I write this knowing that not many people will read it, but knowing that some will encourages this confession and profession of what he has done. This is part of my testimony of what God is doing in my life. I am convicted that I have been asking: Where am I going?, instead of: Here I am, send me.

I am sure it will be a lifelong wrestle of enjoying life because I think it is good… and knowing that the perspective I should have is to enjoy life because God is good. Because really, life isn’t that good. Sorry. But there is a lot of pain and crappy situations that I would rather avoid. But I pursue this life, these people, this town because this is where I am and because he is good. He is always good.

God has always been so gentle in his teaching and patient with me as I struggle to unlearn all that life and culture and society has taught me. He has much more grace than I have for myself and loves me much more than I love myself as well. Instead of wallowing in my own self-condemnation ranging from not reaching certain standards to deliberate sin that would horrify most people, I will go to him because he immerses me in forgiveness and mercy, makes my heart new and sends me out to love.

Gosh, he is so good.

That freedom cannot be found anywhere else.



Filed under Grace, Life Ponderings, Thankfulness

9 responses to “transparency.

  1. ashlee

    Such beautiful clarity. I am grateful for you, who you are, where you’ve been, what you’ve learned and your intention to keep your eyes fixed. I know you feel scattered sometimes and for the last 7 (!!!) years you’ve always had tons going on…but you’ve always tried to keep your gaze straight and ask yourself tough questions. I feel scattered often. Always doing something…one hundred things going on and loving it but also wanting stillness…and at the same movement not wanting to waste time or miss something or someone. Your example has led me. I admire you, sweet friend and I see Jesus in you. xxoo.

    P.S.- Marilyn tells me when I’m feeling (or looking (it’s usually looking)) scattered, frightened or just puzzled to “keep a steady strain”. Those words have a gauging voice in my head for a decade and they’ve done me well. So, keep a steady strain.

    • lauriallison

      Gosh Ashlee. Your wisdom and voice of care and love and reason over the years has blessed me tremendously. Thank you so much for always taking the time to see my chaos and think it through. You have observed me and come alongside me and not just let me do my thing. I value that so much. Thank you for caring about me and loving me the way that you have for the last 7 years.

  2. gwen

    Every thought, word and action given to serving our Father God is something that He uses to draw us even closer to Him, to serving Him with better intention than the time before. Dad and I just looked yesterday and saw that it’s been since March since you posted, so nice to wake up this morning and see you this way, today, being transparent in a way that inspires us to think about our LORD’s path for our own lives…and the desire to never leave that path especially when the temptations of the world pull. Good morning God, This is Your day, I am Your child, show me Your way…oh, now, just to follow! Love you girl baby.

    • lauriallison

      So crazy how so many years ago he would put that song on my heart and I would be trying to sing it ever since. I love how he uses the minds of little ones to shape us. I can still picture that hollering hole 🙂
      Love you so much mom!

  3. I don’t know you. Jesse Mase gave me your e-mail address once because he told me I should talk to you about an idea I had bouncing around to start a home in Cambodia or Thailand for young girls. I never did. Somehow I got your blog address. I don’t know how.

    MOVING ON. I subscribed to your blog after I got your blog address because I really liked it. I am still Google subscribed to it. So I read this blog just today and thought to myself, “I really like this blog. I should tell her.” So here I am. Telling you. I can relate to everything you wrote, even down to the love of healthy food and a good doughnut.

    Thanks for writing.

    • lauriallison

      Sarah! How fun. I am so glad that you enjoy the blog.. even though I am so poor at keeping up with it. I am hoping to do better but we will see how that goes 🙂
      I would love to talk to you about your ideas… Shoot me an email if you still have it, or I will just try and find you on facebook.

      Thank you for the encouragement for the blog thoughts. I am thankful that I am not alone… seriously, it means alot.

      Much peace.
      Seek him and reflect the goods.

  4. ashlee

    Always. =)

    And please excuse all of those words errors…it was clearly 1:30 in the am. Yikes.

  5. This was amazing to read Lauri, thank you so much for sharing =) I can resonate with SO many things you said, and you are totally right. Living “just” a “good” life has a nasty, bitter sting. We need to live for an audience of One, amen!! Thank you for your words and I hope you’re doing well!!

    • lauriallison

      Thanks Josh!! Definitely encouraging to know that other people are on the same page in this crazy life. Looks like you have had some incredible adventures lately. I am so stoked for you! Keep seeking and shining.

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