I slowly open my eyes but I am not in a rush to see. I look around without taking much in, waiting for them to capture something to process. I close them again and I savor the light, what I can see without sight. I inhale as a imagine this life without deception, without death. I breath out knowing what I have to face. I look down at my hands, my calloused palms, cracked cuticles and infinite fine lines and nics that haven’t healed. I rub my thumb over my callouses back and forth. I get lost in the song and find myself moving to the rhythm while rubbing my hands, releasing the tension. I look down and pick at the imperfections. As I bring it in for a closer look I narrow in on a nailbed to manicure. I get over it and twist my hair around my pointer finger. I let myself remember what has been done and all that has happened. I tug my hair as if a gentle pull will make it grow. I become aware of the headphones pushing on my ears and aware of my furrowed brow. I reach up and press my finger and my thumb along my brows to make them relax. Am I tugging on my heart to make it grow?

Not by might or power or by the strength of swords… only through your love my Lord, all we’ve lost will be restored. (Josh Garrels)

I feel my heart pick up pace as a I consider the relinquish of control. My lips purse without me thinking about it. I quickly shake it off once I realize.

I have a lot of options. Satan tempts me to despair. But the truth, the Truth that is good doesn’t sting like the other truth I’ve heard. It takes the truths, the realities and covers them in a balm that is like a soothing mint, citrus and sweet. I close my eyes and feel the life being breathed back into me.  I feel the thump in my chest like I have so many times before. It beats the same in fear, in euphoria, in depression and in hope. I cannot understand peace and hope in the midst of turmoil and confusion any more than I can make my heart pump the blood, the life, through my veins. I never did have control anyway, so there is nothing to relinquish.

Its the death to illusions that my heart beats for. The scales are coming off.

Truth. Truth is setting me free.


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Filed under forgiveness, Life Ponderings

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