University Creed

We believe in Marx/Freud/Darwin/Nietzsche/Lukacs/Gramsci/Sanger/Dewey/Kinsey/Derrida/Foucault

We believe everything is OK

As long as you don’t hurt anyone,

To the best of your definition of hurt,

and to the best of your knowledge 

Unless they are radical right fundamentalists

Who believe in the Second Coming, God, logos.

We believe in sex before, during, and after marriage

We believe in the therapy of sin

We believe adultery is fun

We believe sodomy is OK

We believe that taboos are taboo

We believe in pleasure, AIDS, syphilis

We believe that anatomy is destiny.

We believe that everything is getting better

Despite evidence to the contrary.

The evidence must be investigated.

You can prove anything with evidence.

We believe there’s something in horoscopes, comets, UFO’s and bent spoons

Jesus was a good man just like Buddha

Mohammed, and ourselves.

He was a good moral teacher although we think

his good morals were bad

We prefer free love to virtue.

We believe that all religions are basically the same,

at least the one we read was.

They all believe in love and goodness.

They only differ on matters of

Creation, Sin, Heaven, Hell, God and Salvation.

We believe that after death comes The Nothing

Because when you ask the dead what happens

They say nothing

If death is not the end, if the dead have lied, then it’s compulsory heaven for all

Excepting perhaps Hitler, Stalin and Genghis Khan.

We believe in [Oprah and Ellen]

What’s selected is average

What’s average is normal

What’s normal is good.

We believe in total disarmament.

We believe there are direct links between warfare and bloodshed

Americans should beat their guns into tractors

And the Russians and Chinese would be sure to follow.

We believe in world government

We believe in Gorbachev and Shakhnazarov

We believe in synthesis

of Western capitalism and Eastern communism equals world socialism.

We believe in socialism

We believe in abolition of property, family, and traditional values.

We believe that man is essentially good.

It is only his behavior that lets him down.

This is the fault of society.

Society is the fault of conditions.

Conditions are the fault of society.

We believe that each man must find the truth that is right for him

Reality will adapt accordingly

The universe will readjust. History will alter.

We believe there is no absolute truth

Excepting the truth that there is no absolute truth.

We believe in rejection of creeds (except this one)

We believe in everything

We believe in nothing

We are dead men walking into the abyss

Follow us and we’ll make you dead men, too!

– Steve Turner


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